Kosovo was probably the hardest and most beautiful month I have had so far on the Race.
God is truly amazing in what he can use to teach us authentic lessons. When we left Albania to travel to Pristina, Kosovo, I was so excited and expectant! I’m in love with my team, we had a fun struggle figuring out how to do ministry on our own in a random small town, and now we get to face new challenges together! My excitement lasted about 5mins after we left our apartment in Përmet… On the way to our first bus, we walked through a construction zone and a small part of the ground gave out under my foot while I was walking. It was just enough for me to twist my ankle while carrying an extra 40-50lbs. I spent the rest of our travel day in pain with a sprained ankle, frustrated and angry at myself for not being more careful.
My first couple days in Kosovo had me sitting on the sidelines. I got to wish my team farewell and watch them go enjoy a new country without me. I thought I had spent enough time in Romania stuck in a house but now I was banished to a couch I could only leave if I crawled or limped. My kind teammates would come home with stories, food or treats for me (sometimes both). They knew my situation sucked and I felt loved by them but I also felt like a burden.
To make things even better, my birthday eventually arrived. I am honestly not a fan of celebrating my birthday because of a multitude of reasons but mainly due to the unwanted attention it brings. I did however use it as an opportunity to get out of our apartment for the first time! Not only did I wake up to balloons everywhere with a gift from my team, we also met some amazing American missionaries at a coffee shop we found called Newborn Brew. They were so kind to us and even invited us to join them for Bible studies and other events. By the end of the day, I was gifted with a free cinnamon roll and surprised by another team nearby (Empowered Servants) coming to visit too.
I not only enjoyed my birthday for the first time in a long time, but we also happened to meet the ministry we would be with for the rest of the month. Newborn Brew completely adopted us. They helped give us some training on how to evangelize within Muslim cultures, brought us to a Bear Sanctuary, had us over for Bible studies, let us work in their coffee shop and more. The staff were both Kosovars and Americans filled with love and smiles.
While we all loved the ministry worked we did, there are always different kinds of hardships that come. It’s a part of life, and that’s ok. Unfortunately, everyone on my team went through their own struggles and pain during our time. We weren’t as united as before and everyday I was sad to hear about how hard everything has been for them. My biggest struggle was simply accepting the kindness of my teammates as they carried my things and helped my ankle heal. I felt terrible that I didn’t know how to love, support or fix their problems. Though I understood that it is not my responsibility to do anything but continue to love them, I learned about the weight of having an empathetic and fearful heart.
Watching others rotate around pain, anger, hurt, distractions and enjoyment on repeat began to translate in my head differently each round. My thoughts quickly went from “give them all space to process and work through it” to “if I mess up, I’ll be adding to their problems.” The enemy is so petty! Twisting my thoughts ever so slightly so that it can snowball into something bigger. I failed my team in a way I didn’t understand. I didn’t speak up and instead went through multiple anxiety attacks alone thinking “I can’t make it harder on them.” They deserved so much more from me than that! Community is already hard, but Christian community while traveling around the world on missions with strangers is harder!
Unfortunately, that’s how the month ended. Just like me, this story is imperfect. I didn’t understand what was happening until later in our debrief week when I had time away from my team. Before I knew it, our team ended up merging with Bullseye and we were off to Ukraine.
I learned how to make fancy coffee that I’ll never drink; I got to connect with some amazing people who gave up comfort to pursue Christ; I felt loved, ashamed, important, cared for, anxious and all the things in-between; and I learned the importance of self awareness, reflection and communication (even if its just a small attempt, it’s valuable.) Reality is, I failed and grew in multiple ways. I deserve just as much grace as I am willing to give. Plus I am confident that God has already given me more than I could imagine.
Wow Joanne, you are so self-aware. I am certain that most people on the are could say that in any given month they learned several things that they are continuing to address in their lives, and they celebrated other things that were complete gifts. I am so glad that you are marching forward into God’s arms. Thank you for serving so well.